Happy Mothers Day!


While my mother has long passed, I have more women in my life who act in her place then one could imagine. So, to all of you mothers, this one is for you.

“Delivered” by Adam Sandler,

Mama was the one who reached down and tied my shoelace.
Mama spit on her fingers and used it to clean dirt off my face.

Brush your teeth, Q-tip your ear,
take off your sister’s new brassiere.
Watch PBS, not Deputy Dawg,
don’t you eat that Lincoln Log.
Oh mama I still don’t believe it’s true:
The tooth fairy was you.  (No Way!)

I love you maaaaaama,
more than than paaaastramaaaa,
way more than Jeffrey Daaaahmaaaa,
even more than my NFL paaaaajamaaas.

Mama always calmed down dad when he got too mean.
Like the time he almost hit me for stealing his Jugs Magazine.
Stop your jumping, you’ll break the bed.
Don’t you fill up on the bread.
Take those.. take those.. take… carrots out of your nose,
That’s not a hat that’s pantyhose.

Don’t play baseball in your suit, that Magnum PI’s very cute.
Don’t forget Vick’s Vapor-Rub, and stop masturbating in the tub. 

Thanks for making corn beef hash,
and putting powder on my rash. So much better!

I love you maaaaaama,
more than golf with Arnold Paaaaalmaaaa,
more than yellow moons in Lucky Chaaamaaaas,
That Def Leppard’s drummer only had one aaarmaaaa.
Ohhh, Mrs. Nealon, yes it’s true, Kevin’s gonna sing to you.

Come on Kevin.

I love you maaaaaamaaa
Come on, keep goin’.
More than films by Brian DePaaalmaaaa.
Thanks for being my date to the praaamaaaaaaa.

Thanks for writing that note to the draft board that said I was gay so I got out of Vietnaaaamaaaaa.

Mom your way better than the World Trade Center baaaaambaaaa.
Who’s name by the way is Mohamed Salaaamaaaa.
I love you even more than Richard Gere loves the Dali Laaaahhmaaaaa.
And Richard Gere was also good in “Sommersby”, which was a melodraaamaaaa.

Oh, all you moms out there ought-a know, we kids love you so.

Have a Happy Mother’s Day! Thank you very much! 

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